2004-11-07 - 11:17 a.m.

I had such plans for this diary. I was going to be organized and concise. There was going to be the beginning backgrond, the current situation, and then finally after all the foundation had been laid then I could rant and rave and emotionally vent myself. But alas this is not what is going to happen for today I feel the need to write all of my fears and doubts down. I need to get these things off of my chest so I can go take a shower, go to work, and have a productive day.
I worry. God help me I worry. I worry that Jason is going to change his mind about wanting me to move to New York. Now I have had a discussion with him about it because I am all for communication and being open. He says I have nothing to worry about. He also says that I should be concentrating on graduation, AND he says that he loves me and wants me to out there with him and there really isn't more he can say to make me feel better. That is true. I mean what more do I want from him....ahhh that is the ulitmate question isn't it?
Everytime I turn around there is some situation or circumstance that makes me feel as though there is shady dealings happening. And then on the flip side because yes ladies and gentleman I am a crazy human being I can justify it all. Let's review some examples.
A) I had mentioned that I could go out to New York for Thanksgiving (without having to stay with him on the couch in his dad's place) He said that he would get back to me and never has.
A1) Maybe it is all to soon for me to go out there. Maybe there is too much going on in his life right now to worry about his girlfriend visiting.
B) Our cell phone bill is over $300 because he has gone over his minutes by 400+. Who the fuck is he talking to?
B1) As pointed out by a very close friend...that's right he was talking to me for a great deal of that time. 600 minutes really isn't that much. Then when we add in his other family members and friends that he talks to (especially this month with the move to New York) then it works out and is understandable.
So you can see that I have to ability to look at a situation and think it through. But that isn't always easy. In fact there are days when it is down right HARD and I don't think I can do it. Which is what leads to ever so famous "We need to talk" conversations.
I just have to have faith and trust. Yeah right....JUST faith and trust. Could I have picked two other things that my genes just won't allow me to possess.

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