2004-11-07 - 6:04 p.m.

First and foremost an introduction of the characters in my life may help in future enteries. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are the players in my life.

Jason (JJ or My Little Hippie) - my boyfriend of a year and seven months and the entire reason why I am moving to New York on March 15th. Our relationship gets an entire entry all on its own but the basics you need to know about him are....he's a 27 year old guy who loves music (especially phish hence the play on fear for the title of this diary) his family and friends. He has some flaws that include laziness, lack of ambition, and he can be very very selfish. However he moved to New York in the hopes to change his life, finish school, and find himself. He loves me very much more than anyone else ever has. He is my inspiration to become a better person and there is a lot to be said for someone who can brighten up your entire day with just a smile.

Daddy Rat - my dad and the closest person to me. Possibly the smartest person I have ever met however he lacks the emotional intelligence to support those who are close to him. He and my mother divorced twice and he therefore refuses to get married ever again. He just left his company that he had spent the past ten years of his life building and is now onto what he likes to refer to as his "last chance" for sucess.

Mom - crazy crazy mom. She a kind and caring woman who in a matter of three years went from being PTA volunteer of the year to a harly biker babe (I have my stepdad to thank for that but that also comes later) She had a very troubled childhood, never knew who her real father was, had a mother she didn't see or speak to for 31 years, must take care of an even crazier sister, Ursula the sea witch, who happens to physically be falling apart. My mother has very low self esteem, battles depression, and my worst fear is turning out like her.

Dave - the stepdad. Now this is a man who I do not like for three main reasons. 1.) He started to date my mother when she was still married. I attribute her change to his influence. It was his bike, his biker club, and his drinking that started her new lifestyle. 2.) He has a few mental problems of his own. He repeats himself quite often, is moody, and OCD. 3.) He has hit my mother, and verbally abuses her. Oh and he has a thing for wanting to be called Daddy Dave...over my dead body.

Castillo - my best friend and sorority sister. We knew each other in high school and got rather close through the chapter. She doesn't like Jason at all and is rather negative when it comes to anything to do with him or moving to New York. I love her to death because she does try to be supportive of me because my happiness is what is important to her but I also understand it is a difficult position to be in. Afterall we are losing something in this transaction that is very hard to replace. She can't seem to find herself and is struggle with growing up and changing herself these days. She is dating a boy named Kevin who I don't care for but only because he treats her the way Dave treats my mother. But alas it is not place to judge their relationship though sometimes it is hard. But I support her in what she wants and offer my opinion when she asks no matter how I feel about the short one.

Shawna (Sha Sha) my boss at work. A short blond ball of energy who has become one of the most important people in my life in the past few months. She is very active in helping me find what is right for me and supporting me in anyway she can as well as keeping me in line. She and I orginally became close because we both loved our old dogs (her's was Sonny Boy and mine was Scooby) both of whom had to be put down this year.

The Ratigan Clan - my father's side of the family who I haven't really spoken to in about a year due to a miscommunication between the grandmother and myself. We both refuse to acknowledge our faults. the fall from grace was probably one of the best things that could have ever happened to me because it helped me find a streak of indenpendence. Only after losing them do I feel I could make a move across country and survive without them.

Jules - best friend from elementary school. She supports me a 100% in every decision I have made thus far and continues to play a very important role in my life. Our friendship has endured test after test after test and I think after 15 years I finally appreicate Jules and everything she means to me.

Jeanine - A wonderful friend whom I can talk about politics, religion, family, friends, life, death, everything. She moved to New York in June and is helping me each and every day that I can't make decisions based off of fear. She and I are going to change the world one day.

Abel (He should not be named but won't go away) Now this is really a main character in the Heather's verision of Dawson's Creek. I was 11 when I met this rather interesting Mexican, he was 13. Throughout our eight year best friend/dating/completely-in-love-but-I-hate-you relationship he sold drugs, got into countless fights, slept with ever girl under the sun (including a girl who I thought was a good friend but alas was not). He told me he wanted to get married one day but wasn't ever ready to be in a fully committed and faithful relationship. However the best thing that can be said for him was the simple fact that he realized "we" were never going to work out. Everyone else around us knew it, finally he clued in and realized it but me...I was in denial. I was going to fight for our love no matter what it took. I had dreams of becoming a famous writer, changing the world, or at the very least impacting whereas he was content living in Las Vegas for the rest of his life living from paycheck to paycheck. I thought we could work it out. I even thought I would give up all my dreams if that is what it took. My father says the best thing Abel ever did was let me go and now that I look back on it four years later I agree. We still sometimes talk as friends because afterall I did grow up with him. He was there for eight years of my adolescence. He is married now to someone else and as much as that hurts to think about sometimes I realize that he was a great learning expereince.

There maybe more people I refer to from time to time I promise to explain their roles as needed for information.

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